The Intelligent Woman's Guide to Pleasure

You’re breathing heavily, buttons are coming undone, and the temperature is definitely rising when he asks, “So, how many other guys have you “been” with?” What is about men wanting to quantify everything from the number of tools in their garage to sex partners? I avoid this question for the obvious reason:  any answer I give will be wrong. It will also open the door for them to give me their statistics, which is the last thing I care about unless it signals a risk to my health.

If he’s really into numbers, you need to apply the principles of new math before uttering a sound. Here’s the formula that will give you the true answer.

X = S (People you’ve had sex with) – P (pity fucks + stuffies +penises smaller than a cat’s paw)

N = X – ½ W (everyone for whom you can only recall a first or last name.) Subtract 10 for vagrants.)

M = N – A (anarchy sex, i.e., sex you engaged in just to spite “The Man”)

Z= M divided by G (partners who bore an uncanny likeness to Emma Goldman)

If Z  is still longer than your credit card number, higher order concepts are definitely required.

Q = Z divided by H (Holiday sex, which usually involves lots of drinking, despair and generalized loneliness)

R = Q – L (any man who suggested a spit and lard slurry as an appropriate lubricant.)

H = R divided by I (% of men who referred to themselves and/or their penises in the third person, e.g., The Buckmeister is going to make sure that Mr. Grease Monkey shows you a real good time.)

D= H – C ( Clowns). Now this may seem discriminatory, but clowns have a tendency to pull quarters out of your pussy and typically refuse to take off their shoes.)

Round D off to the closest prime number and you’ve got a reasonable answer.

Or, you could just use my response: “Enough to know what I like and have every right to expect.”

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While phone sex comes naturally to some women, others find it to be worst kind of aural exam. “Will I sound silly?”  “Am I doing it right?”  “What if he starts laughing instead of panting?”  Only you can determine if this is the spice your relationship needs, but if done properly, it can spark a sexual revolution.  Here is my best advice:

1. Do your homework.  This is essential If you a true crude prude, and seldom are heard any x-rated words from your mouth. How do you get comfortable with the mainstays of all dirty conversations?  I recommend that you go to see a David Mamet play, tune in to Howard Stern, and/or study George Carlin’s “The 7 Words You Can’t Say on Television.”  Remember that you need to feel passionate when you say them, so insert them into your everyday thoughts,” e.g.,  “Time to get that asshole Jimmy out of his crib.”

2.Think outside the box and expand your focus group beyond your vagina.  There are dozens of sweet spots and each one is crying out for attention.  Start with the parts furthest from your home plate—nibbling toes, tonguing ears, fondling breasts and work toward the jackpot.  When you feel comfortable, consider adding combo-moves, e.g.” I love it when you squeeze my tits while you suck on me.”  This one comes with my personal guarantee.

3. Practice.  Schedule your annual physical and mammogram NOW.  During your appointments, engage in a lively inner conversation.  “Grind that speculum, Baby.” “You think that hurts? I like it that way.  Squeeze those puppies harder.”  You call that a rectal exam?  Try three finger and then we’re talking.”

4. A picture can be worth 1000 words.  If you’re still feeling shy and awkward, consider this.  Take a photo of yourself holding a vibrator.  Send it to his phone along with the text message. “Don’t make me use this,” and wait for his call.

5. Avoid cute phrases.  “My honey pot wants a visit from Mr. Bojangles” might be adorable in the bedroom but you’re trying to scorch the airways. Your goal is to get royally laid, so call a spade a spade. Try whispering “I want you to screw me so hard that I’ll scream,” and see what happens.  I promise you that, “I want you to put a finger up my ass and my pussy the next time we have sex” will win out over “let’s do that double thumbs-up thingie” every time.

6.Remember your motivation. You’re not trying to get elected into the canon of great works; you want to fire a cannon of trash talk.  Start out using an old standby, i.e., “ I want you to ram your _____ in my _____.”

Phrases to Avoid

Salami; lunchbox

Tongue; tonsils

Fingers; kidneys

Penis; neocortex

7. Use as many adjectives as possible. Remember you want to build the tension, and you want to make the call last longer than 15 seconds.  Instead of telling him, “I love your penis,” try this:  “I love your hot, throbbing, big (don’t ever forget this), amazing, hard dick. Now what are you going to do with it?” Note the difference? So will he.

8. Never say in 2 words what you can say in 20. This is called building the tension.  Don’t just tell him you want to straddle him—add some filthy flair.  Expand your repertoire by focusing on adjectives that end in “est” and verbs ending in “ck.”  Need some inspiration, rent 9 ½ weeks and take notes.

9. Avoid all food references, unless you’re planning on dripping chocolate and whipped cream on his body and licking them off.  Leave food analogies to the doctors.  “The tumor was a big as a cantaloupe,” just doesn’t bode well for wild monkey sex. “ My God, your balls are as big as grapefruits,” or “ I want you so much that my clit is as big as a chicken nugget,” are best left unsaid.

10. Use some judgment.  Which would you partner prefer? “ I can’t wait for you to get lost in my human hair farm” or “The heat from your breath on my pussy makes me so horny for you.”  Similarly, ” I love when you massage your flea stick in my face” is unlikely to win out over  “I want you to come all over my face and hair”.

11. Stick to the subject. You’re after one thing—wild, crazy, rip your clothes off with your teeth kind of sex.  Do not conflate this with a heart-to-heart about sharing and caring and renewing a long-term commitment ala Dr. Phil. Nothing like hearing “I’d like to bear your pigeon-footed children,” to shrink a man faster than cashmere in a dryer.  You’re creating a spontaneous passion play, so leave the spooning, crooning and honeymooning for another call.

12. Get in the mood. Before you call, put on something sexy and stretch out like the sex kitten you are.   When he asks what you’re wearing (and he will) you don’t want to admit you’re clad in sweats and those awful carrot slippers your mother gave you as a joke.  Set the stage with candles, soft music and dim lighting.  Avoid all distractions and please make sure your phone is completely charged.

13.  Have fun. This is a perfect opportunity to act out your fantasies. It’s just two voices teasing and tantalizing so make the most of it.  Russian spy? (Get out the trench coat, Mata Hari), or maybe you’ve always wanted to slip on the ruffled panties of a schoolgirl who keeps dropping her damn pencil.  Oops, I’m so clumsy Mr. ____.  For those 15-20 minutes, you’re a seductress. Period. No reminders about errands, no complaints about kids, no nagging about life’s irritations.  It’s about getting what you want and giving him what he craves—a brazen admission of how much you love sex with him.  Who could resist that?

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Put me in a stationery store, and I’m ecstatic.  I finger thick vellum cards and imagine brown ink flowing like caramel toffee. I long to decorate the pages with wandering strokes, fine-tuned flourishes, and well-mannered spacing.  My mouth waters at the cursive possibilities.

In elementary school, I adored the perfect blues line dividing my practice sheets with dotted red lines perfectly bisecting the horizontal parameters. Even now, whenever I encounter tracing paper, I conjure up the directional arrows that provided specific instructions for every stroke of my no. 2 sharpened pencil.  Mastering that troublesome “q”, savoring the forward flow of “v” and “w”, and feeling just a little naughty whenever I lifted my pen off the page to cross my “t.”  Marvelous.

Unfortunately, my penmanship, once so proper and carefully crafted, deteriorated dramatically. One look at my signature and you’d swear that I should be scrawling pharmaceutical prescriptions instead of sex proscriptions.  Still I refused to let go of my cursive crush.  But then something happened, which brought it all to a crashing halt.

I wrote a very sexy note.

I was living with a man and we were in a serious holding pattern.  Intimacy and sex were at the bottom of his priority list, and I was getting desperate.  It was Florida in the summer so the saran wrap trick (always a favorite with the culinary crowd) was out.  I had already paraded around in my FM pumps and my best fishnets and garter belt, but the flag stubbornly remained at half-mast.  I was contemplating a pole dance on the curtain rod in the shower, and then dismissed that idea. Although I’m an agile climber, my 5’11” frame didn’t leave much room for splits and scissor kicks.

I had just about called it quits when an unexpected opportunity presented itself. He was traveling to interview for a job, and he asked me to pack his bag. I wrote a sizzling note of licks and strokes and how I would gladly choke upon his return. Slipping it between the creases of his shirts, I was confident that this was a message no proud peacock could ignore.

I saw him off and waited for his call.  And waited.  When the phone finally rang, it was 2 a.m., and I fumbled for the receiver.  “Sweetie,” I said hopefully, “Did you get my note?” Dead silence followed by a terse, “I read it and, quite frankly, I’m shocked.”  I was stunned and wondered aloud how this could be. ”But we’ve done that plenty of times.”  Sure,” he said, “But never upon my rectum!”

Ah, the slip of a pen turned an “r” and an “n” into an “m.”  At that moment, I gave up my cursive career and started packing.

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Let’s be honest–women are complicated.  It’s as true for our eroticism as it is for

our emotions.  Sometimes no matter what men do, the thrill flickers and then it’s

gone. They take the familiar route, but inexplicably, this time the clitoris is the

ridge to nowhere.

Bringing a woman to orgasm can be a lot like putting together an Ikea cabinet.  You start out with lots of pieces and minimal instructions. It’s all supposed to work, but often you end up with some leftover mystery parts and a wobbly surface. If you want sex that’s mutually satisfying, be prepared to mute the male pride button and ASK FOR DIRECTIONS.

1.  You hold the key but every lock is different.

It would be lovely if women came equipped with a sophisticated navigation system, but sorry fellas, you’re on your own.  We’ve got pretty complicated niche marketing down there that’s influenced by a host of hormones. Sometimes our little baton stands at attention and other times it’s an erotic illusionist. Now you see it, now you don’t. And unless you’re into role-playing Captain Ahab and Moby Dick, echolocation is really not a viable option. That’s why questioning and listening are the two most underrated components of sex.  Put away your blunt objects for a bit and pay attention.  I’m not talking about the patter of an overly enthusiastic sports commentator (Joe comes up the middle, OH God, it’s the pick and roll, Yes, Yes, YESSS!)  A simple, Does this feel good?” will suffice.

2.  Gentlemen, start your engines.

Just when you think that the embers have died and you’re at risk for carpal tunnel syndrome, something shifts.  Lust resurfaces and demands to fed. Pretty soon the stifled yawn turns into a swooning moan.  The flicker of interest morphs into fizzling scarlet that blurs everything but the white heat of the moment.  It can happen, so eavesdrop on a woman’s pulse and be at the ready.

3. Feel first; think later.

I know that this is counterintuitive to most men, but to be a great lover you need to put aside the reasoning and add some seasoning.  The clitoris is a complete universe where sensations and desires stream.  Trying to “penetrate” it with the spike of logic is pointless.  Our pleasure dome is too mutable an empire for that.  If you mentally try to untangle our erotic aqueduct, you’ll get dizzy from the effort.  Relax, focus on sensory clues and cues, and give in to the mystery.

4. Embrace the detours.

If you’re lost and she suggests an alternate route, take it.  You could just be surprised by the results of your newfound talents.  Embrace them and remember, you can insert yourself into a vagina, but sometimes all you get for your efforts is a dial tone.  Follow her lead. Novelty can ignite the senses and waken sensuality from its slumber.

Now for enlightened  readers, this will all seem obvious. But trust me.  There are plenty of men who hear the sound of wet laundry flapping in the wind and think, “Now that’s what great sex sounds like.”  These are same men who take a few laps around the track and declare victory.  Who want more Punch and less Moody, and who belittle an honest outpouring of words caring only about their own geyser.  More’s the pity.

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