The Intimacy Test: Would You Date Him?

Several weeks ago, I posted a piece on my nightmare experiences that transpired after I placed a personal ad in the New York Review of Books.  I wrote of one man who sent me his “Intimacy Test;” since then, I’ve received numerous questions about the exact specifics of this correspondence.  I’m afraid that any attempt at paraphrasing just cannot capture the staccato tone and the  stark revelations of the letter; therefore, I’ve decided to share the test with you.  It was very long so I’ve deleted paragraphs, but this should provide you with more than enough information to evaluate this potential prospect.  My response:  I read it, immediately called my three closest friends, and then filed it under “You can’t make this shit up.”

Hello, I’m a 47-year-old, straight, financially secure academic.  Once married and divorced, once cohabited and separated—no kids.  After my writing and teaching, my deepest interests lie in opera, cycling, art, horse racing, the stock market, and some movies and travel.  I am not interested in cold rotten weather, or casual sex. I would be more contented, make that ecstatic, if I were to find a feminine soulmate wrestling and questing with the mysterious synopses of the personal ads.

I am 5’10”, 150 lbs. and balding.  I wear glasses, a short salt-and-peeper beard, and have sometimes have been mistaken for the late Peter Sellers.I smoke and drink moderately and my health is superb.  On the physical downside, I have impossible teeth, mediocre coordination, and no manual skills whatsoever.  My mental-emotional health is not superb. I am firmly plugged into reality, but I have been vulnerable to fierce depressions when severely frustrated.  I now have a therapist on call as-needed.

I had a rough and raggedy trip up from the working class, the scars and vestigial anxieties are very noticeable.  I like small spaces and own few possessions. I live and work in shorts, swimsuits, sandals and headbands.  I used to be a night person but unexpectedly became a day person in my thirties.  My faith is an unchurched and ultraliberal Protestantism that is unconnected to sect, doctrine or observances, and follows solely from my apprehension and unquestioning acceptance of the cultural foundations of First World civilization.

My sexuality is entirely defined by my needs or emotional expression and my capacity to evoke and engage the varied selves of another. I like structure in music, coherence in literature, and I split quick from aesthetic creations which offend or bore me.  I am prone to sudden bouts of eczema.  My poker, bridge, and chess are so mediocre that I no  longer bother with them.

And finally a note of caution. I have weathered two previous intimacy failures, and these failures occurred primarily because each partner did not understand my strengths and limitations until long after she became involved with me.  So I now ask that any prospective lover/companion/spouse understand exactly who I am before she gets involved, and I hope the most thoughtful and deliberate consideration of these disclosures will inform your decision to make or not to make contact.

Consumer Advisory

This nonstandard product is offered in good faith but carries no guarantees.  It satisfies and endures best when applied firm and often to the deepest emotional needs of an autonomous, experienced, and knowledgeable used.  All complaints will be negotiated promptly, but since payment is strictly in kind, no refunds can be given.

J.